Ellie’s been changing and learning a lot lately. She’s been a sponge soaking up everything around her. But all these changes have been overwhelming and I find that I’ve been struggling with it for awhile. And by awhile, I mean for the past few months. Everything just seems to be so difficult lately. Brushing her teeth is like going to a rodeo. Well, more like being in a rodeo. I have to chase her down and tie her up with a lasso so I can get the tooth brush in her mouth. And then to get her to change her clothes, I have to distract her like a rodeo clown. Don’t even mention bath time, that’s a whole other story.

Just everything requires so much work and I think I’m a little worn out. But I think the real reason I’m so exhausted isn’t because things are that difficult, but because I’m actually mourning how things used to be.

Things were pretty sweet before. I probably didn’t realize it at the time, but they were. Naptime was quick and easy, bed time was without a fight. I had a day time break, and Aya and I had the evening free for ourselves.

But now Ellie’s growing and changing. She hasn’t been terrible, she’s just “transforming.” Sure things have been challenging here and there, but it’s not like there’s truly a big problem. It’s really exciting, but at the same time it can be a little overwhelming. For the both of us I guess. I think for her growing process to go smoother, I need to go with the flow better. I need to transform with her. I haven’t adapted to the new routine. I haven’t allowed myself. I keep holding on to how awesome and easy things were before and I do not want to let go of this idea. “If we can only get back to how things used to be,” I keep thinking.

When I actually look at things though, they really aren’tthat bad. I get a decent night’s sleep every night, Ellie has been a sponge learning new things making her super fun. She eats well, I eat well, and she does nap. So what am I all boo hooing about? Is it just because of the rodeo situation? Who doesn’t like a good rodeo every now and then, right?

It’s taken me awhile, but I think I’ve finally started to let go of trying to recreate the past and started to settle into accepting how things are. Not fully, but I’ve started. My inner monologue is struggling with itself now. There is a part of me that wants to be like Rocky and get my tiger eyes in-focus and tackle each day and any struggles that come with it. But then there is the other part of me that wants to be a sorry Charlie and sit on the couch all day watching TV while eating a bag of chips.

With the weather starting to turn warm and the sun coming out a little more, I feel like Rocky is going to win. But right now, to be honest, I’m not quite there yet. So while they duke it out, I’ll settle for watching a Rocky movie while sitting on the couch. I think that’s a good way to nudge Rocky into the winning position.

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