We get to meet you soon! I hope I was able to keep you warm, safe, and comfortable. I hope you were able to get everything you need from mama to be as healthy and strong as possible. It’ll be a scary transition to come outside from the safety of mama’s belly, but sooo many people are excited to meet you, and you are going to be loved SO much! I’m going to miss having you in my tummy and feeling your kicks, your yoga stretches, your hiccups…but I CAN’T WAIT to hold your tiny body in my arms and feel your warmth against my chest.
We’ll see you soon!
As much as mama and daddy have been trying to maintain a sense of peace and calm as the arrival of Bunnee gets closer, I know we haven’t always been the best at it and you’ve definitely picked up on it. You’re a very intuitive little lady, and as mama’s anxiety shot up, so did yours. And you aren’t very happy with mama right now either.
Your tantrums have been much more intense and frequent, and when you’re upset like that, you have been directing your anger towards mama a lot. You try to hit, kick, and scratch mama when you know that’s wrong. You’ve been much more possessive and protective of your daddy and get upset with me when I take his attention away from you.
And you know what?
It’s okay. It’s not okay to hit or kick, but it’s okay that you feel angry. And it’s okay that you feel angry at mama.
It must be scary for you to anticipate change when you don’t quite understand what that looks like, or why it’s happening. It must be confusing for you when we talk about you being a big sister and how a “baby is in mama’s belly” when you don’t really understand what that means. You never had a say in this happening, so you might feel left out. Daddy’s been more protective of mama, and you might feel like I’m taking him away from you.
When mama was a little girl around your age, my mama got really sick. She was in the hospital for a few days, and when she came home she had to lie down and rest a lot. I wasn’t used to seeing my mama rest like that, let alone lying down all the time. I remember feeling really confused and scared because I didn’t know if she was going to be okay or not. Now you’re seeing mama lie down and rest a lot. You see mama cranky from being tired or uncomfortable, or weepy and crying. And you see mama and daddy get angry with you when you’re not being nice to me or my belly.
I bet it’s really confusing and scary.
Mama doesn’t have any brothers or sisters and never had to “share” my mama and daddy’s attention with anybody. Mama didn’t have to experience the dynamic change in the family like you’re about to. There’s going to be a lot that you’re going to have to teach mama and share your feelings with. We’re going to learn a lot together.
The other night at bedtime when daddy and I decided to talk to you, daddy asked you if you were mad at mama.
“I want mama to go to Doctors and lie down and fix her belly.”
I was so proud of you for being so honest. It was so sweet and heart breaking at the same time. You’re a very kind and nurturing little girl and I know you’re feeling protective of mama and scared that something is going to happen to me. I want you to know that mama is going to be okay. I’m not going anywhere, and nobody is taking me away from you.
Mama has feelings too, and I would be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt me to see you so angry with me. But I understand, and I want you to know it’s okay that you feel the way you do. Mama’s going to be okay. We’re all going to be okay and so are you. We’re going to work things out together, and with daddy too as a new family of four. And just because there’s going to be a new baby taking up new space in our family, it doesn’t mean that it’s going to take away any of your space at all. It doesn’t mean that mama and daddy are going to love you any less. In fact, I know that our love for you is going to grow even BIGGER as we watch you navigate your new roll as a big sister, and develop your own special unique relationship with Bunnee.
You will always be mama’s first born. The one who taught me how to be a mama. The one who first stretched my heart beyond imagination, and took me to places inside me I didn’t know existed. You helped me grow as a person, and you make me want to be an even better person each day. You light up my heart, you give me the privilege everyday of seeing what pure joy looks like, you help me see and truly appreciate the little things in life, and you make me aspire to always have the kind of love that has no agenda or boundaries. The kind of love you have Ellie. You love because it makes you happy to love.
No matter what, mama loves you. Even when you’re mad, sad, confused, scared, or frustrated. It’s all part of finding your own place in this world and growing up. Soon you’ll have a little sister to grow up with, who’s going to look up to you and love you so much. You are one special lady, and you always will be. Mama and daddy love you very much, and no matter what happens, that is never going to change.