Gift giving in my family gets crazy. Maybe not crazy, but definitely strange. If it’s not a strange gift like a homemade Christmas themed zombie movie where my mom is credited as “zombie #2”, we’ll wrap the gifts weird. From packages being locked in chains and having to figure out story problems to get the combination numbers, to being riveted shut in duct work, duct taped, dry-walled, zip tied, or being frozen in a block of ice, we’ve done it all someway or another. You never know what is going to show up under the tree at my parent’s house.
Last year, I created The Thought Transfer Helmet for my brother. He is a high school band director, and it was really designed to help his students share their knowledge with one another. So keeping with that theme of “helping his students,” this year, my dad and I were hard at work in the lab creating, The Time Eliminator!
The idea is that this tool can help out with rehearsals. If they are having unproductive rehearsals, or really bad run-throughs, they can just erase them and start over fresh. (See below for the product manual). Its a tool with great power and must be used responsibly.
I really hope he liked his gift. But if not, he can set the dial and hope for a do-over.
THE TIME ELIMINATOR: Model# TE-5000-MC2
Have you ever had an embarrassing moment you wish you could erase? Ever had a bad performance you wish you could do over? Do you ever wish you could just hit a “redo” button? Well, now you can! The Time Eliminator can do just that! This device does not erase your memory of the event in question; it erases the actual event (almost)!
The Time Eliminator is a portable table-top battery powered device that eliminates segments of time! Erase as little as a few seconds up to and including one hour!
HOW IT WORKS:
The Time Eliminator produces a series of microscopic black holes appropriately sized to erase the segment of time you have selected. It’s a simple process. The larger the segment of time, the larger the black hole used to eliminate it.
GETTING TO KNOW YOUR EQUIPMENT:
The Time Eliminator is powered by two AA batteries (which come installed). The “on” and “off” switch controls power to the device. Power “on” is indicated with a red light. The reflector dish with the lens produces the time eliminating pulse. Below the dish is a red button that activates the pulse. The Time Eliminator comes with a control dial to select the segment of time you wish to delete.
Place device on a table or flat surface. Turn the power switch to the “on” position and wait 10 seconds. Turn dial to desired amount of time you wish to eliminate. Press the red button and wait for pulse of light. Relive your moment with a new sense of appreciation and confidence.
The Time Eliminator only works within the confines of the room you are in. It is highly recommended all doors and windows are closed when using this device. Never leave or enter a room while The Time Eliminator is in use. This could result in physically being erased, or displaced to another time track.
Eliminating smaller segments of time, between 0 and 30 minutes, is completely (mostly) safe. The larger the segment of time you attempt to erase, the larger the risk you have of the space time continuum collapsing on itself.
Once the time has been eliminated, where does it go?
The black holes produced by the device open up a worm hole where the segment of time is deposited in a separate time track. Once the process of time removal is complete, the wormhole is closed forever. So while technically the time isn’t “erased,” it’s been displaced never to be accessed again. And who wants to access that horribly embarrassing moment again, right?
Will the time I erase effect the people around me?
Yes, of course. Only if they are in the same room as you. It is recommended to use this device with a limited number of people. The more people directly affected by the time erased, the greater risk you run of opening a worm hole that cannot be closed.
If the Time Eliminator does not work, what should I do?
Check the batteries. Ninety-eight percent of The Time Eliminator failure is related to expired batteries.
Why does the time on my watch not change after the segment of time is deleted?
That is completely normal. The time on your watch will not change. That is proof that you existed in another time track.
If I erase five minutes from my day, but my friend doesn’t, will the time between us always be five minutes off?
What happens if I set the time dial past the 60 minute setting?
It is NOT recommended to use The Time Eliminator past the 60 minutes setting. The device has never been tested past 60 minutes. It is estimated that the ramifications of doing this would be catastrophic and at an apocalyptic level.
I have the Thought Transfer Helmet, can I use the Time Eliminator while using the TTH?
DO NOT under any circumstance, use The Time Eliminator with the Thought Transfer Helmet.
(1) DO NOT consult a physician before operating this machinery. (2) DO NOT USE on children ages 6 and under. (3) DO NOT USE to aid in the search of big foot, sasquatch, skunk ape, or the yeti. (4) DO NOT USE to revive the deceased. (5) DO NOT USE to contact the deceased (6) DO NOT USE TO make contact extraterrestrial civilizations (future models are in development specifically for this purpose). (7) DO NOT look directly into the pulse of light. This may lead to permanent memory loss or soul displacement. (8) DO NOT use while leaving or entering a room. (9) Some side effects include but are not limited to: headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, age reversal, instantaneous planetary travel, cranial swelling, loss in bone density, and thinking you are Batman. (10) Overuse of this device could result in a mental capacity reversal (i.e. you’ll get dumber).
If The Time Eliminator does not work for you please call our tech support line to troubleshoot the problem. The TE Corporation will not be held legally accountable for any personal injuries or mishaps that occur during use. Use this product at your own risk. Any time actually eliminated while using this product is purely coincidental.
*The makers of the Time Eliminator do NOT test on animals. If you would like to volunteer to be involved in the testing our products, please contact us through our corporate 1-800 number or through e-mail.
PRODUCTS IN DEVELOPMENT
Stomach troubles? Indigestion giving you, or someone you know, embarrassing unpleasant odor causing gas? Put these embarrassing moments in your past with the Odor Eliminator! Batteries not required.
Is your house filled with unpleasant garbage? Look no further! Use the Trash Eliminator!
Various sizes and styles available. Bags not included.
Someone you know getting on your nerves? Does the sound of their voice drive you to insanity? Make them, and your troubles, go away with The Eliminator! (Product not legal in the continental United States)