NEW YEAR’S EVE

Every Sunday to me is like New Year’s Eve. It’s the end of a long hard week, and the beginning of a new one. A fresh start. This is when I announce my resolutions. It’s the same every Sunday. I’m really going to do it this time.  Starting Monday, I’m really going to get back into a workout schedule. I’m going to make time for myself to read. I’m going to be more productive with my day. I’m going to shower and brush my teeth every day. I’m not going to eat half a carton of ice cream in an evening. I’m not going to use my Marathon gas card to buy chips at the gas station. I’m not going to use the random change in my truck to buy a sundae from the dollar menu. I’m not going to spend my evening rummaging through the cabinets looking for food.

And then Monday morning comes, and I feel like I was up all night doing keg stands at a frat party. But I still feel hopeful. I can push through this, I say. I might get a workout in during her first nap. I might be able to grab a quick shower. Just doing one of these makes me feel accomplished. But as the week goes on, each morning feels harder and harder. By Wednesday I’m already dreaming of a Blizzards, Doritos, and cupcakes. I would kill a dog if I could get some ice cream or a piece of cake right now. I’m so anxious. Every evening I just walk around the house craving food and talking about food. I rummage through our cabinets looking for ANYTHING to eat. We don’t have any good snacks or junk food. No peanut butter, no chips, no crackers, no cookies. So I end up eating pickles, or cottage cheese, or old dried stale cereal, or tomatoes. And then by the end of the week, I feel like I’ve failed at my goals. I haven’t worked out, I haven’t read, my emotional eating is still out of control. But then I look and see Ellie so excited crawling all over the house. She’s so happy exploring, so happy for everything. And I think this is what’s it’s all about. This is why I do it. This is my goal, and I am achieving it. Then she looks up at me and flashes me a look that just makes my heart melt like ice cream on hot apple pie…

mmmm…. pie…