FEAR FACTOR: PREGNANCY AND THE TERMINATOR

So far with this pregnancy, I often forget that Aya’s pregnant. I know, I know, it’s been almost 8 months. It’s not that I forgot or don’t care, it’s just that there are so many more distractions than last time. Ellie has me working extra hard these days so I’m not thinking too much, “Hey we’re having a baby soon! Ahh!”

It’s more like, “Eh, been there done that, we’ll be fine. We’ll readjust when the baby arrives.”

I don’t seem to have that fear of the unknown this time. Or do I? Am I holding things in, burying them deep within my subconscious to come out later unexpectedly, in crazy ways, like in my dreams? I guess maybe. I have noticed my dreams getting a little crazier than usual lately. Especially one in particular.

My dream started with the birth of our new daughter. Nothing was out of the ordinary. It was in the water at the birth center and it went just like we had anticipated. But quickly, things started to change. It went from being a glorious occasion to one of chaos.

I learned that the only reason Aya married me was to have this child. Not Ellie, this child. Our eight years of marriage was all a lie leading up to this moment. She had been plotting this injunction with the government since we met in college. It was all fake. Fake! And all for the purpose of her to her having this child. And with the child born, it was her duty to kidnap her. What!?

I was in shock! I was reliving our married life in my head, in my dream, trying to grasp that it was all a scheme while taking in the birth of our daughter. How could this be? It just didn’t make sense. But before I could sit too long to think about it, Aya turned into a Terminator and was on a mission to take her baby. My Baby! We had to run!

Aya came after us with glowing red eyes with a steady pace of determination that only a terminator has (Guns N’Roses was playing in the background). We spent the rest of the night on the run. Arghhh! What’s happening!? YOU CAN’T HAVE MY BABY!!!

And then I woke up.

Hmmm. Okay, so maybe I have a little anxiety. A little fear about what life will be like with a new baby in the house with the added pressure of being responsible for another life.

Maybe, I’m a little worried about going through the new born phase again. The sleepless nights, the midnight dance parties and feedings. How are we supposed to do this while maintaining Ellie’s schedule?

Maybe, I’m a little worried how it will work with the kids sharing a room. I can barely get Ellie to go to sleep now. How will I do it with a baby in the room too?

Maybe, I’m a little worried about our finances, not only for life with two kids, but also getting through Aya’s maternity leave.

Maybe, I’m a little bit worried about Aya’s maternity leave. Us, home, together, all day, all night, everyday, for three months? That’s a long time to have your wife working with you. We’venever experienced that before.

Maybe, I’m a little worried because we haven’t prepared anything for the arrival of the baby. Babyswing? A bed for Ellie and crib for baby? A new crib for baby? Bottles, diapers, blankies, etc. How do we do that again?

Maybe, I’m a little terrified about dealing with the Reverse Tooth Fairy again. (Shudders)

Maybe, I’m a little worried that if I say Baby Bunnee’s real name out loud, it’ll make it not real. That I’ll jinx it and cause problems. What if she’s a he? We weren’t counting on that? Maybe the ultrasound technician was wrong? What if there are real problems. It almost feels like counting my chickens before they hatch.

Maybe, I’m a little worried I won’t love this baby as much as I love Ellie. My mom had this fear and I almost laughed when she told me because it sounded so silly. Did she love my older brother more than me? Of course not! (at least I hope not). But the closer we get to the birth, the more I’ve been thinking about it. Ellie has been the center of my universe for 2 and half years, how can I possibly feel the same for the new baby?

Or maybe, just maybe, listening to Guns ‘n’Roses and watching the X-Files before bed, especially when every episode of season 9 has Scully hiding her baby from alien bounty hunters is just a bad idea.

No matter what the reason of these worries are, rational, irrational or just plain silly, they are still my worries and are valid. Things that are on my mind and will be until baby Bunnee arrives. But I also know the answer to all of these worries already. When the baby is born, everything will work out and everything will be okay. I’m right between excited and nervous, and I think that’s a good place to be right now.

But until the baby arrives, I’ll be more mindful of my TV show selections before bed and will for sure keep a watchful eye on Aya when Guns N’  Roses comes on the radio.