THE BUNNEE BUMP: WEEK 19

Dear Bunnee,

I had a mommy & me date with your sister one day and had such a great time!  I thought to myself “Today was an awesome day being a mom.”  At that exact moment, I felt you flutter inside me.  It was a special moment that only you and I shared, and I never felt more excited to become your mama.  You’ve been saying hello to me a lot since then.  You’ve also been making mama’s hips hurt a lot this week too!  It’s okay though, I think it’s a sign that you’re making yourself more and more comfortable in mama’s belly.  Stretch out, and dance away little Bunnee!

xoxo , Mama

Considering the amount of fears I had to work through during my pregnancy with Ellie and the struggles I felt postpartum, it’s ironic and odd how much peace I am feeling now with this one.  Maybe knowing that I survived the darkness after the first pregnancy gives me reassurance that no matter what, it’s all going to work out in the end.  For a long time, I loved Ellie, but wasn’t in love with her and didn’t know when “that moment” would come to me.  I would ask my girlfriends “When did it happen to you?  Was it a moment?  How did you know?”  Well, I don’t know when it did, but it definitely happened, and without a doubt my heart hurts with love for this girl now.  It’s funny how the heart knows what to do when we let go and trust it.

Accepting that truth has given me so much more space in my heart for love and peace.  It is such a nice place to be, and I love how I’m allowing myself to be in the moment with this pregnancy.  I also find myself feeling incredibly protective.  Protective of my family, my time and space with my family, my mind and body for nurturing this new being, and my own space.  I feel like I’m on some Discovery Channel show about wild animals where it’s showing a mama tiger with claws and fangs out protecting the same thing.  I was so preoccupied with my own anxieties during the first pregnancy and postpartum that the nurturing side didn’t have much of a chance to come forward.

I am amazed with how different this pregnancy has been and my anticipation for what’s to come compared to that of my first.  I almost feel like this pregnancy is healing what was hurt before.  The moment I allowed myself to let go of any expectations, an entire healing space opened up to forgive myself and move on.  For the longest time, hearing a new mama’s bliss after her baby’s birth was a sore spot for me.  It was hard for me to not think “Why couldn’t I have that?  Is she really telling the truth?  Does that really exist?”

It was hard for me to honor and accept other’s happiness, and I felt guilty about it.  But now I know they were all coming from my insecurities and pain.  I do realize though, that just because I feel acceptance and peace right now doesn’t guarantee me any outcomes.  Anything can happen after birth depending on how my labor and birth goes and how my body heals from that.  But I feel okay with that.  I would love to welcome the bliss with open arms, but I also know that I can plunge into darkness too.  Somehow, that truth doesn’t paralyze me with fear.

This Bunnee is already teaching me so much about what it means to be a mama.  After her second daughter was born, Heather Armstrong from dooce once said that her first daughter made her a parent, and her second daughter taught her how to be a mother.  I feel like that with Ellie and Bunnee.  Bunnee is already teaching me how to be a better mama to Ellie, and I already see Ellie showing so many signs of how she’s going to make such a great big sister.  There’s so much love in our house right now, I’m shamelessly soaking it all up and I wouldn’t have it any other way.